A Flaw in Perfection
by Silver Kitten
Summary: Finally complete. Lila suffers from a disorder, Helga helps her and by doing so Arnold gets closer to her secret. How will it turn out? Well now you'll know.
1. Chapter One

**A Flaw in Perfection**

Composed By Silver Kitten

A/N: I'm keeping this short cuz my ending note is longer…hehe, my apologies. Thanks for clicking the link, hope ya like the story.

Disclaimer: Of course I own Hey Arnold. That's why I've resorted to fan fiction instead of writing new episodes…(sarcasm, I promise)

Brief Summary: Helga is put in a very intriguing situation. At the peak of her jealousy and immense envy of Lila, Helga has to make a choice that could physically save someone's life, or figuratively end her own…

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::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::Helga's POV::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"I don't get it, Phoebe," I put my chocolate milk on my tray and slid it across to the center of the lunch table. "You have everything going for you. You're way smart, funny, pretty, and not to mention smart…why haven't you just told him how you feel?"

"I always perceived my true feelings to show themselves through my actions. We've gone to the Cheese Fair together, and we've spent time outside of the school premises…I figured he must know," she answered knowingly. I sighed.

"Hate to break it to ya, Phoebs, but guys typically aren't as…aware. You two have known each other for a long time. All I'm saying is I don't understand why you two aren't going steady already. You two obviously have an attraction to one another, even you can't deny that,"

"Well, Helga. I suppose you should ask yourself the same question and apply it to…you know, Ice Cream," she smiled.

"Hey, don't change the subject," I ordered in a mock-frustrated tone.

"I apologize. Maybe you're accurate in your observations of Gerald's friendship with me. Perhaps I should talk to him about us…and find out if we have a friendship or a courtship."

"Absolutely. Hey, I'm gonna use the restroom quickly. I'll be right back. Oh, and if Gerald walks by, you know what you could do," I grinned and gave her a friendly pat on the shoulder.

"Affirmative," she answered.

On my way out of the cafeteria I was met with a sudden jolt.

"Oh, sorry Helga,"

"Sheesh, watch where you're goin', Football Head!" I snapped mechanically at the blonde-haired wonder in front of me. As in our normal routine run-in, he lent out his hand to help me up. I, as usual, was stubborn and declined his offer, warily standing up by myself. "What's the big rush this time? Is there a fire in the cafeteria you need to put out?" I ridiculed his do-good nature I really did admire.

"No, I was just looking for Lila. I needed to talk to her. You haven't seen her, have you?" He asked with an anxious enthusiasm.

"Quit drooling, I haven't seen her," I barked, and continued on my way to the restroom.

"Is everything okay, Helga? I didn't hurt you when I ran into you, did I? I could walk you to the nurse's office if you want," he offered. I scoffed.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Go find your girlfriend,"

"She's not my girlfriend. She doesn't like me like me, she just likes me,"

"That's her issue…" I muttered below a breath.

"Sorry?"

"I said 'I need a tissue', because I'm gonna cry at your sob story there. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have business to tend to in the girl's room," I told him smugly.

"Whatever you say, Helga," he sighed, and walked back into the cafeteria.

Stupid…no-good-love-sick-fool…bent out of shape because of that counterfeit, stuck-up twit Miss Perfect…

If I had one chance to show him…not just him, but P.S. 118…the entire world how very imperfect she really is…

I guess…I'm no better. Even if I did somehow prove that she's not who she claims to be…it wouldn't help my chances of Arnold loving me. She might treat him unfairly, leading him on and breaking his heart each time it beats…but I…and the way I treat him…I just smash the already broken pieces of his love-torn heart. And there is no justifying the fact I hurt the one I love most in this world with every savage breath I take.

Upon walking into the bathroom, strange but recognizable noises were heard echoing from a bathroom stall. I could only think to myself how disgusting the sounds of regurgitation could be. After hearing another heavy spew, I about lost it myself. Not wanting to alarm whoever ate a bit too much of the meat surprise at lunch, I quietly slunk into another stall.

I heard a familiar delicate cough that seemed to be forced from the poor, nauseous soul, a few stalls down. I quivered at the idea of vomiting, especially in a public place. Little did she know anyone could overhear. I remembered the time in the first grade I nearly lost my breakfast, and how if anyone had heard I'd have to kill myself. I decided not to embarrass whoever it was, and kept still.

A toilet flushed, a door unlatched and sloppy footsteps were made towards a sink.

"That was ever so horrible," I heard a fragile mumble as the faucet was turned to its highest pressure. Did she say ever so? There's only one person on this side of the universe who says that, mightily overdone I might add. I stealthily leaned to one side of the stall, peering through the tiny sliver of opening where the door is hinged, and nearly fell over. Vibrant red hair, two keenly tied green bows, a green dress…it was Lila.

Oh, I could just imagine the look on her face if she knew I was in here with her. And to see the look on the entire cafeteria's faces when I could describe, in repulsive detail, the obnoxiously gross ordeal she'd gone through…how humiliating. It would be due justice to the constant humiliation she puts Arnold through…but could I?

I'm Helga G. Pataki. Of course I can.

I readied myself to jump out from behind the stall and scare the manipulating monster, until she started talking again.

"That wasn't so terrible. I can do this. I'm not even hungry anymore lately, so I won't have to bother throwing up so much. I just have to keep this up…but _no_ one can know. I _have to_ stay perfect…"

The faucet turned off, and the frail steps trailed on to the door. I was left in disbelief standing against a cold, steel wall.

I slowly came out of the stall. The thoughts of Lila's words were taking their time registering in my skeptical mind. I couldn't possibly have overheard that just now. The one and only Lila was not only throwing up, but self-inflicting it?

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::After School:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The final bell had just rung. After nearly three hours of crucial deliberation on whether or not I should confront Lila about the incident, I was still left with indecision.

On one hand: I tell her what I heard, and maybe there's a logical explanation, a simple misunderstanding, and I can go on with my life mission to find something a little less life-threatening to ruin her reputation with. One the other hand: I tell her what I heard, she confesses and I don't feel guilty for prying into her life because I may have just helped the girl out. Or…on neither hand, but always in mind, I can tell her what I heard, and use the very discouraging information to my advantage…she could be my slave, my errand runner, my spy…

Who was I kidding…this whole self-induced vomiting could become real serious…and I'd hate to be part of that knowledge when she throws up a little too much and—

All right, enough of that talk. I'll confront her and go from there…

I ran out of the school building and saw her walking towards the bus, barely able to catch up with her.

"Lila!" I called. The mere mentioning of her name coming from my mouth made me want to gag.

"Oh, hello Helga. How are you today?" she asked blindly. I held in a bitter scoff.

"It doesn't matter. Listen, I need to…well, sort of ask you…um," I guess this would be harder than I thought.

"If you want me to teach you to be more like me again, I'd be happy to help. Besides, you could use a little work still on your politeness, if I'm not being ever so direct," she smiled sheepishly and tilted her head.

I was ready to stuff her head back down into a toilet, but I held back.

"Actually, that's not what I was getting at. Um, I…well during lunch…I heard some things,"

"Oh," she nodded in a courteous understanding. "I'm sure Rhonda didn't mean what she was saying. I think you dress absolutely fine, it's your own unique style."

I bit my tongue, ready to yank hers out.

"If I'm not being _ever so_ direct, I'd _really_ appreciate it if you'd let me finish my sentences," I told her. She seemed taken aback for a moment, but quickly recollected herself and prepared to listen with a vivid, forged smile. "Near the end of lunch, I went to the bathroom. I heard…the very distinct sound of someone throwing up. I didn't want to freak them out, so I kept quiet. Well…I heard what you said," I explained flatly. Her eyes were suddenly diluted with confusion.

"I'm sorry, you'll have to be more specific," her voice wavered in apprehension.

"Something along the lines, like 'I don't have to throw up so much,' 'this isn't so bad', 'I can keep this up'," I trailed off. Her smile diminished into one of her more solemn faces.

"I see…did you happen to hear the part when I said 'no one can know'?" she spat out.

"I heard everything. Actually, I heard more than I'd have liked to, if you get where I'm goin,"

"What I do on my time is my business, and mine alone. So if you don't mind,"

"I do mind," I cut her off. "Look, I don't know if that's the first time it happened, but I hope it's the last. You're smart, you should know how seriously ill you can become by doing that," I stated, half-way surprised at myself for expressing concern for my one true enemy. She did her best to remain civil.

"This is my life, okay? And I know what I'm doing, so don't try and pretend to care. One thing you _can_ pretend is that this whole thing never happened," She demanded, and was about to turn and walk away.

"Yeah, I can do that, but I won't. If you don't tell someone about this and get some help, then that's something I can do, and will,"

She faced me directly again. There was a sinister glint in her narrowed eyes, a kind of nefarious turn of expression I knew she had, though no one else would ever believe sweet Lila had the capacity to hold.

"If you tell anyone a single word about what you heard, or about this conversation, I swear I'll tell everyone your deep, dark, precious little secret," she paused and leaned in towards me, "_You. Love. Arnold_." She took vile pleasure in reminding me.

"Are you threatening me?"

"I'm simply just telling you. See it as a threat, if you'd like. Now if you'll excuse me, I do believe the bus is waiting." Her voice dripped demonically off her serpent tongue. I wanted so badly to just…

(A/N: I'm trying to keep this thing G rated, PG maybe just to be safe…so I'll leave what Helga thinks to your imagination …oh, sorry for this interruption…please continue, thanks )

I couldn't stand to get on that bus with her. I knew I'd end up doing or saying something I might end up regretting in a few years.

Lila, the so-called epitome of perfection, wants to try and blackmail me? And she thinks she can just prance on that bus and be done with it?

Something in the very last crevice of my mind, on my very last nerve, a state of conscience maybe, was telling me to back down. I know myself better than that. I don't back down. I fight back….

The only question that keeps stabbing through my thoughts is…are the risks of the consequences worth this battle? Is helping my worst enemy overcome an obstacle really worth the exposure of my love for Arnold?

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::**To Be Continued**::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

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I really hope you liked this. I think out of all my stories, I've done the best job keeping the characters in…um, character. I'm sorry if I seemed too harsh with my portrayal of Lila. Honestly, I think she has a mean side in her. To me, she's like the opposite of Helga when it comes to having facades. Speaking of being in character, did anyone see the newest episode of Hey Arnold (Phoebe's Little Problem)? Is it just me or were none of them in character? And whats up with Arnold…granted he has a persistent, caring and helpful nature, I think he was a little too concerned about Phoebe. And where was Gerald? Don't even get me started on Helga…

Sorry, I'll leave you to review now if you'd like. I'd appreciate it much! Any feedback is appreciated. I'm really having fun with this story, and I promise to finish this…it won't be too many more chapters. Thanks, and take care.

One more thing…in case anyone reads this who has also read my latest story: Whatever You Say Or: Here in Hillwood (shameless plug) I just wanted to say thanks so much for reviewing and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Silver Kitten


	2. Chapter Two

A Flaw in Perfection

Chapter Two

Composed By: Silver Kitten

Disclaimer: I'd like to say I own Hey Arnold but I don't.

A/N: I probably should have made it clear in the first chapter. This, in no way, is meant to be a Lila bashing fic, although she is one of my least favorite characters. At the same time, I'm trying to give a different perspective on her "perfect" character, to show that she's human like…any other cartoon.

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::::::::::::::::::::::::::Helga's POV::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I couldn't even tell Phoebe.

That's what bothered me most at the time.

That the mere threat of Arnold discovering my long kept secret was stopping me from confiding in my most trustworthy friend.

So I guess I must have a conscience, right? I mean, if I'm not jumping up and down at this extraordinary chance to destroy her seamless reputation for being perfect, to abolish the undeserved image of her incessant popularity.

If I'm actually taking time to consider the consequences aside from Arnold finding out how I feel, such as Lila's health giving out, then I must have a conscience, wouldn't I? Or am I that careless and apathetic?

For hours into the night I weighed the situation on different levels, trying to find some way to get my approval over a set resolution. Lila has always been one to negotiate; perhaps we can make some kind of a deal. That's it. I'll just talk to her once she's had time to calm down from the fact I know. Once she's calm, she'll be much better to persuade a compromise with.

A compromise? With Lila? Who'd ever imagine I'd be willing to compromise with the self-righteous brat? I suppose it's worth a try, for my sake, for her sake, and for Arnold's sake.

:::::::::::::::::::::The Next Day::::::::::::::::::::

I arrived in front of her door, and it was just around noon. I took a deep breath and knocked three times. Her dad answered the door.

"Oh, hello!" he said cheerfully. "You must be here to see Lila,"

"Yes, that is if I'm not interrupting you guys at lunch,"

"Oh, no, no, it's all right. Lila said she already ate and isn't very hungry. Here, I'll go get her for you. Would you like to come in or just wait here?" he asked. I nodded.

"Here is fine, thanks," I told him. He smiled and shut the door. I listened through the door as he called loudly for his daughter in the tiny apartment.

She opened the door, a wide grin on her face, probably from the expectation to see Rhonda or someone. The grin almost disappeared, but I could tell she was forcing it to stay.

"Hey Lila, how are things?" I questioned casually.

"Just fine, thanks for asking. How are things with you?" she asked robotically.

"They've been better. Say, would you mind walking with me for a minute? I'd just like to talk to you about…something,"

"Although that sounds ever so delightful, I'm afraid I have to stay and, well," her disposition was sulking into a puddle of aggravated uneasiness.

"I can assure you it won't take long, and I won't have to bother you about it anymore after," I explained. She let out a small sigh and silently agreed.

We walked a few feet in utter silence. I tried placing my thoughts in order, readying myself to say whatever I could say to work things out.

"So, you can stop acting now and pretending everything is fine," I blurted out.

"Really, Helga? Because I don't think I'm the only one acting,"

"All right then, that's fair. Listen, I know we aren't the best of friends. We probably aren't even friends. In fact, when I think of you, 'friend' is the last word that comes to mind,"

"Just get on with what you want to say, if you don't mind,"

"I was wondering if we could work something out. I was thinking about what you said, and I hope you were thinking about what I said. And maybe there's no need for this whole blackmail business. You've always been a negotiable person," I told her. She seemed to be quiet in thought.

"Go on,"

"Well, lets say I keep this a secret for you. I know someone who could help you and it'd be totally confidential, no one else, well except for me, would know about your…problem. Her name is Dr. Bliss, and I saw her a while back. I was hoping maybe you could at least talk to her, and then maybe,"—

"Maybe what? Maybe I change my mind? I appreciate your sudden willingness to help me, but honestly I don't need any help. Like I told you yesterday, I know what I'm doing." She stated carelessly.

"Do you? Do you realize that throwing up after everything you eat, and the loss of appetite lead to a pattern of an eating disorder? Do you know that once its been going on long enough, it can be nearly impossible to quit? This is a disease we're talking about, Lila, of the mind and the body. If you don't get help, it could lead to eventual death! Whatever issue you have with yourself is your own, but there are other ways of dealing with it than trying to starve yourself,"

"You don't understand! You never will! You don't know what its like to look in the mirror and see someone you absolutely cannot stand! You don't know what its like to be in the shoes of someone who everyone else depends on to be charming, funny, friendly—to be perfect! I look in the mirror and see a wreck waiting to happen. If one hair on my head is out of place, that ideal of perfection is lost. Don't you see? I need to do this. I have to do this to stay perfect. I can't gain weight. I can't change. I have to stay the way I am," a tear came to her eye and she quickly rubbed it away.

I stared at the ground, not sure what to say. Obviously I was already too late. She was too far into this than I could ever pull her out.

"There are people out there who can help with that. You can manage yourself in a healthy way and keep yourself up the way you want without hurting yourself." I finally responded. She huffed.

"This is the only way I know how. Do you know how it'd look if I went to a—a—a shrink! I'm sorry, but I just can't do that. I'm certain you remember what I told you. If you tell anyone, your secret love for Arnold is out. I hate to do that to you, but I won't have a choice,"

"What if…what if I said I didn't care if you told Arnold?" I said, unaware of what I was actually saying. She had a slight look of shock across her face.

"You'd care. You know you would. Just imagine the look on his face if he knew…the disgust in his shocked eyes that you, his tormentor, loved him? He'd be confused; he'd never forgive you. Face it, Helga. You need time to amend your behavior so someday, when he does know, it won't be so bad. That's why you'd care if I told Arnold." She exclaimed, viciously accurate and leaving me defenseless. "I have to go. I'll see you Monday," she added, as she turned to walk back home.

I stood in a state of confusion myself. She was right…and it killed me.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Helga?"

I perked up from my slouched position on the park bench, staring eye to eye with Arnold.

"Is everything all right?" he asked, genuinely concerned no doubt.

"Not exactly," I said, deciding not to lie.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I can't,"

"Oh…"

"…Could I ask you something?"

"Sure," he said firmly.

"Let's say that you find something out about someone else, something that's not, well it's not good. And what you find out is that the person is doing something really stupid that could hurt them really bad. But that person doesn't want other people to know, but you want to help them. What would you do?"

He thought about it for a moment.

"It'd be a hard thing to do, but if someone is endangering themselves, that's always more important than whether or not they want others to know. If a life is at stake, then that leaves only once choice,"

"To tell?" I asked.

"To tell." He said.

"What if…you tell someone—anyone—but then they tell everyone else a secret of your own that no one can know? Then what?"

"I guess then you have to ask yourself what's worth more to you: Saving a life or saving a secret?"

"I don't know what I'm going to do," I moped to myself. I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Whatever it is, Helga, I'm sure you'll do the right thing," he expressed comfortingly. At that moment I felt better. He smiled at me and then looked at the sky. The sun was sinking down into the horizon and the sky was ablaze with outrageous vibrant color in hues of orange and red.

"I guess I should get home,"

"Yeah, me too. Want some company?" he inquired.

"Could I maybe take a rain check? I have some thinking to do,"

"A rain check? All right, I look forward to it then,"

"See you later, Arnold—I mean Football Head," I corrected myself in my more expected tone. He grinned.

"See you later, Helga," he said, and we went our separate ways.

There was the ultimatum. I tell someone in order to help Lila, and my secret is out. Or I don't tell anyone, and my secret stays mine, and Lila…well…

Oh, Arnold, I wish I were brave enough to get through this, unafraid of what you'd think if you found out the truth. Truth is I'm not…you can't know, not yet. So if this is what Lila wants, then this is what she gets.

:::::::::::::::::::::::To be Continued::::::::::::::::::::::::

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Coming in the next and most likely final chapter:

When something bad happens to Lila at school, a teacher could make a fatal mistake unless Helga speaks up. Will she speak up, even if Arnold is in the room? Hmmm, I wonder.

Thanks for reading, and please leave a review letting me know what you thought about it. I promise in the next chapter there will be more between our favorite couple. Also, I plan to go over more of the whole eating disorder issue between Lila and Helga. That is, if anyone wants me to continue the story. Okay, that's all for me. Thanks and take care!

Silver Kitten


	3. Chapter Three

A Flaw in Perfection

Chapter Three

Composed By Silver Kitten

Disclaimer: Hey Arnold! is not mine.

A/N: I got so good at updating quickly...and what happened?? I don't know. Alas, the third and second to last installment is here...ready to read. I'm so sorry for the wait. But I don't know what good my apologies are if I can't keep an audience because of my laziness. With that said, all I can say is please read and review...and thank you for your patience.

Dedication: This is written for "Cool Steve"....because yes, he is cool, and he's waited a **long **time for me to get this finished. I'm one step closer.

::::::::::::::::::::::Helga's POV:::::::::::::::::::::::::

Everyone was laughing. Paper airplanes were being tossed in the air. Pencils were whipped back and forth in some odd attempt for a game to pass the time. We were just being typical students, wasting our last few moments of freedom until the bell rang and Mr. Simmons pranced in with that wide grin on his face, prepared to teach us another important life lesson. And when he came in, not but two seconds before the final bell rang, of course Lila was right behind him; on her way from the restroom, quickly fixing her hair, certain she just couldn't be late.

We all settled down, took our seats properly, and the day began as usual. Nobody really paid attention to Mr. Simmons "special" lecture of the day, with the exception of Phoebe. Usually, Lila would be the other student most likely to tune in, to answer questions when Phoebe had answered the prior five, and the teacher had elected for another student to try. This day, this morning, she was not so tuned in, not so aware of her surroundings. She just sort of sat there, of course not slouching, but rather using all her strength to keep herself propped up just right. Her energy was dismissed for a moment in a wavering sigh.

She caught me staring at her in disbelief and held herself up once more. She tried paying attention but her focus was dwindling away. She squinted to see the board. After an hour or so, she nearly used her elbow as a crutch for the rest of her body. That was a new thing for her, to say the least.

Not too long after, she raised her hand.

"Yes, Lila?" Mr. Simmons jovially called out.

"May I use the restroom?" She asked quietly. I shook my head, though no one would have noticed, since all eyes were on Lila.

"Well, there's not much time before lunch. I don't suppose you would mind waiting twenty more minutes?" He asked politely, and rightfully. No student would normally ask to be excused so close to lunch time. Why, in any case, it'd be an emergency...or they'd have something to hide from the lunchtime crowd.

"I do apologize, but I'm afraid it's...an emergency,"

So now she's not only blackmailing, she's lying...

"All right then, you may be excused," he brushed it off and continued talking, while Lila slowly marched out the door.

I waited one minute. Then another. Finally, five minutes had passed. I stood up and Mr. Simmons looked confused.

"Is there a problem, Helga?"

"I need to use the restroom," I muttered, and stepped out to the side of my desk.

"I'm sorry, but only one student is allowed out of the classroom at one time,"

"Yeah, well I have girl issues," I huffed, and drug myself down the aisle of desks to the front of the classroom.

"Miss Pataki,"

I knew I was about to get a detention, or sent to the office, but something in me didn't care. Though, for a moment, it appeared maybe I didn't have to worry. Lila had slunk back from the bathroom and stood in the doorway, readying to make her re-entrance. Mr. Simmons looked away from me and back at her for a nano-second. She took one step, and then she collapsed. The aura of her perfection was not enough to keep her floating up above the floor, preventing a ruffle in her skirt, a scuff on her face, or the numbing experience of falling down when there was no one there to catch you. No, she was not perfect anymore. She was human. She was not invincible. She was weakening by the minute.

Immediately, the rest of the class stood up. Some, out of concern for their dear friend. And then some, sheerly to get a better view of the drama over the other student's head. Lila moaned, and attempted to pull herself back up. She barely made it.

"Lila, are you all right?" Mr. Simmons asked, rushing over to her for aid. I stood infront of his desk.

"I'm quite fine. I must have tripped over...this pencil," she said. Much to her luck, she had seen a pencil near the first desk by the door, one that had not been picked up before class began.

"That's not true!" I heard myself stammer out without thinking. For once, all eyes were on me.

"What do you mean, Helga?" Lila said, holding back a foul glare.

"You know what I mean..."

"Girls, if there's an issue that needs to be discussed, let us find the proper time," Mr. Simmons tried to persuade us.

"Yes, we can deal with any problems you might have with me another time," She said, and then winced.

"Another time will be too late. I'm sorry Lila, but I can't,"--

"You have to!" she cried, forcing so much of her energy out that she doubled over. "I'll tell...I'll tell them _all_..." she mumbled. I cringed in my stance, but held firm. She looked so angry, so helpless. Another time, I'd have gladly taken her state and used it against her. I looked over at Arnold, and his eyes met with mine, and I felt a pulling pain inside of my stomache, just imagining his reaction if he knew the truth about my feelings.

"....Tell them, then..." I said in a low voice. She looked up at me with the strangest tint of disbelief and anguish in her watering eyes. My eyes began watering as well. Before I blinked my forming tears away, I saw her eyes shut, and then again she fell. Mr. Simmons tried to help her up, to stir her again, but her eyes wouldn't open. She had been increasingly pale, and now she lay prone, lifeless.

"My goodness, someone call the nurse!" He yelled to no one in particular. I spoke up again.

"That won't help, we need an ambulance!" I said, and without a need for further explanation, Arnold quickly ran to go and call 911. I knelt on the floor beside Lila with Mr. Simmons. I took her wrist and felt her pulse. It was still beating. Slowly beating.

Until her beating pulse slowed. And gradually, it became slower. Then slower. And finally...I didn't feel it any longer. It seemed like an eternity had passed before I heard the sirens blaring to our school. I blocked them out, just as I blocked out the gawking stares of the other's. All I could hear was the silence of her pulse, pounding in my head, and all I could say was that I was sorry...

"_I'm sorry Lila...I'm sorry..._"

I told them. I told them everything. I told Lila's dad. I told Mr. Simmons. I told the doctor. I told anyone who would listen. At first, no one wanted to believe me, and I didn't blame them. But then the doctor confirmed it. They all told me that I had done the right thing in telling them. Were they right? Lila's in critical condition now, hanging on for her life, because I was afraid of some crush finding out that I liked him. All I had to do was speak up sooner. Then...maybe her dad, her only family, wouldn't be wondering how the hell some doctor is going to muster the strength to pick up a pen and sign her death certificate.

Before I first saw Lila, I waited a couple days since she'd been admitted to the hospital. Apparently, she's declined any visitors the right to see her, with the exception of her dad, and now, myself. I walked into her room, a sullen shade of gray plastered on the walls, denied any hope of light touching them, as the curtains were tightly shut. I heard her heartrate monitor beeping; saw the bouncing green waves beep at each peak of her pulse. When she first saw me, I noticed the beeps coming closer together to one another. She must have composed herself, as she calmed down the beeps slowed down to normal.

"I wondered if you'd visit me," she said, almost sadly.

"I wondered if you'd let me," I told her. I took a seat next to her bed. I saw all the I.V. needles stuck in her, the patches for the monitors clenched tightly to her body. Her eyes were red, probably sore from crying. There was nothing but silence between us for a moment. I thought first about what I could say, but I guess I didn't have to try and speak, since Lila already had every intention of telling me exactly what was on her mind. I prepared myself for the worst as she cleared her throat, unable to imagine the desperate cruelty she was ready to unleash on me in some act of vengeance for what I had done to her.

"...Thank you," was what she said. Simple. Meek. Sincere.

"...What?" As much as I was elated to hear something polite from her, I couldn't fathom why she wasn't threatening me in some classy, blackmail victory speech.

"Thank you..." she repeated. "If it weren't for you...I'd be dead..."

I was uncertain of how I should respond to that. With our history of exchanging false courtesy and mutual discrepancies between one another, that was the least thing i had expected.

"You're...welcome," I said. I've never been much of the one who can easily give words of comfort to another, so it's hard for me to articulate exactly how sorry I am this happened the way it did.

"I've been talking to Dr. Bliss...she's helped to enlighten me...a lot," Lila continued. I perked up a little.

"Really?"

"Yes, and you were absolutely right, Helga. I had the wrong motives for everything I was doing...not eating...throwing up what I had eaten...it was like a long, lonely suicide...all because I didn't think I could be perfect enough,"

"I'm glad that you realize that...and you don't need to be perfect, you just need to be yourself. That's all anyone should ever expect from you,"

"So why do you tell me this, knowing you keep the secrets you do?"

I suddenly remembered her vow to tell Arnold how I truly felt, and I began feeling sick. I kept quiet, knowing that not saying anything would be the most I could say right now. She looked at me and her eyes told me she knew, she understood the answer to her question. There was another silence between us, and I had to tell her how I felt.

"I'm sorry, Lila...that I ever doubted you were a decent person, simply because you were more popular, and had Arnold's affections...it was my jealousy, and my stubborn fears that almost killed you,"

"Maybe you're a little bit ill, too," she said, coughing a little.

"How so?"

"You are able to make any problem somebody has your own, twist it until you can prove you had something to do with it, that it was your fault in the end. It's a selfish act with nobel motives, to take the blame off someone else. I've been ill for a long time, Helga. Long before I even moved to Hillwood...it began shortly after my mom died," she stopped quickly in what she was saying. Her eyes glazed once more and she looked down at her bedsheets, maybe counting the number of threads, anything to take her mind off of what she's just recalled.

Once again I was left speechless. If Arnold were here, he'd have a million things to say to cheer her up. I don't even have one.

"They told me years ago she had cancer. It didn't really matter to me how she died, just that she was no longer there. But do you know how I remember my mother? Sheer perfection. Once she was gone, that void had to be filled, and I was the only one who could fill it. Well, you know what my dad told me? He had a secret. He said, 'Mommy didn't die from cancer, she died from anorexia nervosa,'"

I shifted in my chair a moment, trying to let my mind register everything it was learning.

"You see, Helga, I've been following my mother's footsteps just fine...and I almost followed them to a grave right beside hers. But you stopped me. And yes, I still have some issues to work through, but Dr. Bliss and my dad are going to help me through it," there was a look of sadness in her eyes, an empty, lonely sadness.

"I'll be here too," I said, not entirely aware of the words coming out of my mouth, and yet I understood what I was saying crystal clear. I was coming to a realization, that Lila wasn't so terrible after all.

"I know we've had our differences. I don't want you to feel responsible, so you don't need to stick around be out of guilt. I don't expect you want us to be friends...and I understand,"

"No, Lila, I want to help. And...I expect we can be friends,"

"That would be nice," she spoke wearily, but appreciation could be heard in her voice. "Now, as for Arnold..." she became a bit more serious. I shuddered.

"I knew this was going to come up..." I sighed. "Look, I made my choice. And I was thinking...secrets can be a deadly thing to keep. I've decided that Arnold deserves to know. If you haven't told him already, then I will." It took everything I had to say that, but I meant it.

"Good, because I think he'll appreciate it more if it comes from you,"

"You think he'll appreciate it all?"

"...That's my little secret," she stated. A wry smile came to her face, one I equally shared.

"Oh," she tilted on her side and reached under her pillow, pulling out a carefully folded piece of paper and handed it to me. It took much of her strength, but she was regaining her energy more every day, as the doctor and her dad have informed me. I took it, confused, but intrigued. "When you talk to Arnold, please give this letter to him. And please, don't read it before you talk with him,"

I nodded. "I promise. Well...I guess I should let you get some rest,"

"Um, before you leave, could you do me a favor?" she asked.

"Sure,"

"Would you...open the curtains a little? It's ever-so dreary in here,"

I let out a small laugh. I opened the curtains and a wave of sunshine washed over the room, splashing onto her bed and across the walls and the floor. She closed her eyes with a smile on her face.

"Thank you, Helga,"

I walked to the door and looked back. She was probably half way asleep in those few moments, but she needed her rest.

"Anytime, Lila," I told her, and then quietly shut the door.

Things were halfway settled. Lila's vitals were constantly improving, as she got the medical attention and therapy she needed for a full recovery. I, on the other hand, still had one more challenge to face. Arnold. Who knows what this letter holds...was she genuine when she said she'd like to be friends? Or is it some cynical plot to toy with me further...

Either way, this was something I was going to face. I needed to. No more promises will I make when I know I shouldn't. No more secrets will I keep...even if it kills me.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::To Be Continued:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A few quick items...

I won't wait another 6 months to update. If I don't have the final chapter out within the next 2 weeks...then, I beg you not to offer me any reviews as punishment for my rude behavior...I mean that. And as for Lila's eating disorder, it probably would take more than a couple days for someone in her situation to "realize" their actions were wrong. So if it seemed at all unreal and illogical, I'm sorry. I never did say she was fully healed though, just on her way.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this part. Lila and Helga getting along...that's new for me, too.

Brief summary for the last chapter:

Helga gathers her courage and seeks Arnold out to tell him how she really feels. We'll find out what his reaction is, and just what exactly Lila's letter entailed.

Silver Kitten


	4. Chapter Four

**A Flaw in Perfection**

Chapter Four

Disclaimer: Hey Arnold! is about as much as mine as it is still a thriving series on television. (Why, oh why, are we being deprived of The Jungle Movie!)

Author's Note: To whomever might actually be reading this, lol…let me be the first to stay that yes, I tend to be full of crap. After re-reading this story and all my authors notes, I seriously just started laughing. But, I am still glad I pulled through and finished this story because it's another thing I can count as finally completed. You have **Cool Steve** to thank for that, who kept heckling me about this thing :D Haha. Plus, his latest story was a motivation for me. Now that this is done, I only have the satisfaction that it is finished. I'm not as proud of this story as I wish I could be. In terms of writing quality I think its lacking (but given it was started two years ago, I like to imagine my writing has improved since then). However, I gave the ending my all…or what all I could give at one in the morning. And…now I'm going to shut up, and say here is the final end piece to this story and I'm quit literally jumping into it.

* * *

It had been quiet, almost peaceful. Until the thud of footsteps pounded in my ears, I lay motionless, almost numb, on the ground. Once I opened my eyes, I saw him, amid blurred vision and lack of focus. It took me a moment to catch my breath, so any word I sputtered must have been nothing more than incoherent whimpers.

"Helga! I'm so sorry, are you all right? Are you hurt? Can you stand? How many fingers am I holding up?"

I shook my head, ironically helping my vision focus, and stared up into Arnold's worried eyes.

"Could you...maybe stop asking questions for a second?" was the first thing I found easiest to say. He seemed to give a smile of relief, and took my hand to help me up. After holding hands with Arnold for a bit longer than necessary, I heard another boy force a cough. Gerald was standing nearby, looking a tad worried himself.

"Gerald and I were tossing a football around, and by the time I saw you over there, it was too late,"

"The ball hit you in the head," Gerald added.

"Thanks...I probably wouldn't have guessed that myself," I said, rubbing the back of my head and giving a slight smile.

"Yeah, so...you're okay?" Arnold asked again.

"Um, well...no...yes...uh, I mean, could I talk to you?"

"Hey, I'll give you two some time to talk. I need to get home for dinner anyways. Glad you're okay, Helga," Gerald spoke, as he seemed almost in a hurry to leave.

After a few moments of hesitation, and waiting to make sure Gerald wasn't in hearing distance, I finally spoke.

"I don't know how to...I...there's something I have to..." just say it, Helga...why can't I just say it?

Arnold looked curiously at me, and then down at the ground, just to the side of me, where a crumpled piece of paper was. I quickly snatched it up.

"Something you dropped?"

"Yes...I, well, it's for you. It's not from me...it's not a gift or anything...I just...here, take it," I practically shoved it in his hand.

"Um, thanks, Helga..."

"And...also..." before finishing, I took one last, longing look into his bright, glistening eyes. It would probably be the last time I could ever look at him without him turning away in humiliation. It may just be the last time I could ever stand near him, without him promptly leaving to escape the turmoil of knowing the harsh reality of things. "I'm usually more...eloquent, when it comes to this subject. But sometimes it takes blunt words to portray exactly what I feel, instead of dressing them up so they sound better. I want you to know that...I've lied to myself, to my friends, and most importantly I've lied to you. I...like you, Arnold. I really, _really _like you. I almost could say that- I've probably- been falling in..._love_ with you..."

He stood there. I stood there. The light wind hovering around us stood still. Time, quite literally, in my opinion, stood still. At first he looked at me, then quickly down, away. And for what seemed like forever, he'd glance at me, then somewhere else, as if he was getting a visual on all the chaotic thoughts swirling around within him. I began shaking, losing balance, be it from his cryptic silence, or the fall to the ground from the football attacking my head. I could hardly look at him. There was nothing else I could say. Any thought of furthering the discussion, of explaining myself, was utterly nauseating.

I had ruined things forever. I saved him from wasting his energy on leaving, and I did the running for him. I ran right past him, as fast as I had ever run. I didn't look back.

If ever there was a moment in life where it could be rewound and redone, I probably would have chosen that moment. How idiotic I must have sounded, how brash and insincere… How foolish am I to think this will have changed anything in a good way? Years of torture, years of unnecessary grief I provided for him and now I have the raw indecency to ask for an exchange of forgiveness and acceptance? Like he's just supposed to turn the other cheek…like he does incredibly too well…and tell me that it's all right, and we can be friends—or more than that?

Helga…what have you done to yourself? And worse…what have you done to Arnold?

It was the longest twenty minutes of my life, accelerated by the anxiousness of wondering what would happen to the world now. I stared down at the twinkling, inviting river below, over the railing of the bridge where I found it too easily to finally stop in my mad sprint. I can never run far enough, and where would I go anyway? Running was useless. Escape was futile to imagine.

I slumped over the rail, wishing I could just slip over the edge into the cold, watery oblivion and disappear forever…

I could see my reflection in the trembling water, or was I the one who was trembling? Tears I had not yet found the strength to cry were brimming my eyes with a warn tingle, and the longer I stared at myself the more my eyes burned. I thought I must be seeing things when a familiar yellow football shape entangled its form beside mine in the water. I blinked a few times and studied the wavering image until I realized Arnold was standing right beside me.

I quickly jumped back and twirled just enough to stand face to face with my personal angel who now too frighteningly resembled my greatest inner demon. As we maintained hesitant eye contact I briefly wondered if this is what the world looked like when it was going to end. Wasn't the sky supposed to go completely black, rain blood into crimson seas or something? Wasn't it supposed to be dark and scary, not beautiful and intimidating?

I wasn't left much time to contemplate as wild, green eyes cut into my apprehension and forced me to focus. And then the dark angel spoke, and the world did fall away but only into a haze of color and Arnold was the only thing I could see.

"My eyes are open, Helga," he said quietly, curiously. I felt myself gulp and knew he heard me swallow my all of my nerves as I dared to open my mouth and speak back to him.

"Excuse me?" I tried not to sound overbearing as I spoke, but I literally had no idea what he was getting at. A small smile flitted across his face and he extended to me a once-crumpled piece of paper. I was numb as I watched my hand reach for it unconsciously. I held the delicate paper as if it would disintegrate at any moment. It was Lila's letter to Arnold. And he wanted me to read it? God, what could it say?

Wordlessly, he coaxed me to read it instead of gawking at it with a heightened level of scrutiny. I could do nothing else but listen to his silent plea. So I began to read the letter.

* * *

_Arnold,_

_It's Lila here. Please don't ask how I got this, it's a long story. What matters most now is that you read it, and hopefully you'll understand Helga and what she's told you a little clearer. It's a poem she wrote a little while ago. And trust me, you don't want to just read it…but believe it._

_I am flawed, and I am perfect_

_At pretending everyone believes my act._

_But I can't lie to myself, though I try,_

_I can't make believe I never cry,_

_Because the tears are too real to disappear,_

_And there's no running from who's in the mirror._

_Still, I fight for my charade,_

_By building walls to barricade_

_All the pain I create in my wake,_

_Every stolen laugh, every mistake, all the heartache,_

_And if I could stop and take off my mask,_

_If I could obey when you would ask,_

_To see who I really am underneath..._

_I would, if I believed you'd like what you'd see._

_But I know who I make myself out to be,_

_And I know it isn't pretty, isn't nice or kind,_

_I don't have the beauty you deserve to find,_

_I never know how to stay honest,_

_Because lying has always been easiest._

_I never tell you how I feel,_

_Because who you see me as is unreal,_

_And the right words never seem to fit_

_The shape of my heart, so my dark truth remains unlit._

_But if I could take of my mask, I would,_

_I'd change for you, if only I could,_

_I'm afraid I already painted my portrait for you,_

_I'm painfully stained with colors that aren't true._

_But it's all I know how to be,_

_Because somewhere, I lost the real me,_

_And I'm hoping someday you'll find me here,_

_I'm hoping you'll see that I can be sincere,_

_I can be caring, I can be beautiful,_

_And if one day, you open your eyes ,_

_And open your heart to realize,_

_I'm more than a fist, more than a negative notion,_

_And I can be more than a flaw in your perfection._

_I can be more, because you deserve better,_

_Someone who'll let you see how much you matter,_

_Who won't be afraid to be herself, to be true,_

_Who won't abstain from saying she loves you,_

_Because, I really, truly do…_

_Helga G. Pataki_

_

* * *

_

After reading the letter, reading the poem—my poem—that was never meant to be read, I could feel my pulse rattling about my entire body. Every nerve, every cell was quivering madly and I felt red heat flush over my face as I felt Arnold's eyes on me. I couldn't find my voice at that point and cautiously met his steady gaze.

"I see you, Helga. I've always seen you…I just didn't think you wanted me looking," he finally said. His voice was soft and easy, if not a bit weak as he took a step closer and reached for my hand to hold in his. His grip was gentle but firm, and I'm fairly certain if it was humanly possible to physically melt from another person's touch I would have. "I know you're not as tough as you try to be," he continued, a shadow of sadness crossing his features.

"But…all the things I've said to you, all the mean things I've done," I wanted to confess all over again but refrained only because it hurt to much to realize how much pain I caused him over the years.

"It wasn't really you, though, was it? You were just confused and scared to be yourself, and I don't want to blame you for anything because of that. Maybe…maybe we can just start over?" he asked, and the words were exactly what I needed to hear. I closed my eyes a moment to take everything in, to make sure that even with eyes closed I could still see Arnold and the way he looked, the way he was looking at me, so I could rest easy knowing that when I opened my eyes I'd never forget this and it'd be with me forever.

"I'd like that," were the simplest words I could muster up enough strength to speak before completely fainting. Arnold's smile widened and I couldn't help but return it, if not warily for fear that this was all a dream and if I accepted any reality of the moment it'd vanish like dust in the wind and I'd wake up to a real nightmare: forever alone, abandoned by Arnold.

"So would I," he concluded, his hand tightening on mine. "I would really like to get to know the real you, because I have a feeling whoever she is, I'm really going to like her a lot. Maybe we can see a movie or something later, and then eat or something and then maybe talk…or something."

I coughed out a small laugh. "Are you asking me out on a date?" the question left before I could stop myself. Arnold bashfully let go of my hand and looked down at his feet, shuffling them on the ground and he shrugged his shoulders.

"Um, yes?" it was the answer, the proverbial pinch, really- that only proved I was awake, but this was still a dream.

"Sure," the word stumbled out recklessly and his eyes lit up from the answer. "I mean, whatever floats your boat, Arnold," I smiled the most genuine smile I had. It was all entirely too surreal that we could have a normal conversation, that I wouldn't insult him or bully him. It would take some getting used to.

"Oh, and Helga?" Arnold began, a slight smirk etched on his lips. I indulged him inquisitively.

"Yeah?"

"I don't mind if you call me Football Head. It's kind of grown on me,"

I laughed and tried not to blush from what I took as a high compliment.

"No problem, Football Head," I told him.

The two of us started to walk, over the bridge and back through the park. We talked, we laughed, we playfully argued…and for the first time ever we were really friends.

Time would only tell now if we'd ever become more, if we'll truly get past our differences. And for the kind of love Arnold and I could share when we're older and our hearts are better capable to love completely, the kind that lasts forever—there's no say in how long I'd wait for something worth so much. And for Arnold, I will always wait…but maybe now I won't be waiting too much longer.

-:-:-:-**The End**-:-:-:-

* * *

_No matter how much I like or dislike a story of mine, I always get a little misty-eyed when I type the words "The End". I don't know why…Anyway, to everyone who ever read this, I give you my sincerest thanks. To anyone who might be kind enough to read through this whole thing now that it's done, wow, thank you. Your patience is the epitome of resilience. Feedback at any time is always appreciated, if not deserved. Sorry it took two years to complete. Life gets in the way, and obsession can get away from you as quickly as it gets you. It's a mad process of dedication, and I think I failed this fandom…but with what phantom dignity I have left I am leaving you with a smile, and another thank you for putting up with me._

_Silver Kitten_


End file.
